Time and Time Again

Starting around first or second grade, I would automatically reflect on how much I had changed in the past year, often laughing at how immature I was at another point in time. That is my first memory of having an understanding of how I was growing and changing as a person as I aged.

Towards the end of sixth grade, I developed a bit of an obsession with time. I became acutely aware that time was passing constantly; a both magical and terrifying feeling.

Now, as I head into the second half of 8th grade, the last semester at a school that I love, my awareness of both time and personal change affects me in a completely new way. Part of me wants to go back in time, maybe to the beginning of middle school, and do it all again. Part of me wants to skip ahead to see what the future has to offer. However, I think the biggest part of me wants to remain right here in the present. I often wish that I could stop time for a while, or somehow gain the ability to go through life without the acute and frequent awareness of this mysterious dimension.

Due to my extreme reliance on routine to feel secure, changes and uncertainty tend to terrify me. Even a special schedule at school is enough to interfere with my sense of security. The future all seems like one big uncontrollable mess with this mindset; one that I am certainly not eager to move forward with. This is complicated by the knowledge that I am constantly arriving at the future, and will continue to do so as long as I live.

And yet, there is also a certain beauty in time, as it gives me the reassurance that no other entity can go on forever. As I grapple with big questions and think about the future, I am reassured that no pain will be eternal; only time will. It is only with this in mind that I truly feel comfortable facing the future.

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(Image source: http://publicdomainpictures.net)

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9 thoughts on “Time and Time Again

  1. Hi, for what it’s worth I think having an acute sense of the passage of time may be genetic, and I think it runs in our family. My parents even made up a word for the ability to keep track of time: “heuragility,” from the French for time, l’heur. I notice that in practically any gathering, I am usually the one who is most aware of the passage of time, and I can often guess within 10-15 minutes what time it is, even if I have been asleep. This can come in handy (e.g. with meeting facilitation) but can also be anxiety-producing, as you say so eloquently. Your thoughts are a lot more cosmic, though, than this sense I have of minutes passing.

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    • Interesting! For me, it’s more of feeling then an actual sense of time; I’m not very good at estimating what time it is, or how much time has gone by. I would describe my awareness of time as like being on a bike that is constantly moving forward, and I keep turning around to see how far I’ve gone. When I was younger, I would play a game while riding my bike where I would pick the furthest point in the distance that I could see, and keep looking at that point until I got there. I would always be surprised at how fast I reached the point. This is a bit like awareness of time for me: more feelings, rather than numbers.

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  2. Thank you for being you and being free to be who you are. I am so happy a friend posted your site. I will continue reading and appreciating you.

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