Starting around first or second grade, I would automatically reflect on how much I had changed in the past year, often laughing at how immature I was at another point in time. That is my first memory of having an understanding of how I was growing and changing as a person as I aged.
Towards the end of sixth grade, I developed a bit of an obsession with time. I became acutely aware that time was passing constantly; a both magical and terrifying feeling.
Now, as I head into the second half of 8th grade, the last semester at a school that I love, my awareness of both time and personal change affects me in a completely new way. Part of me wants to go back in time, maybe to the beginning of middle school, and do it all again. Part of me wants to skip ahead to see what the future has to offer. However, I think the biggest part of me wants to remain right here in the present. I often wish that I could stop time for a while, or somehow gain the ability to go through life without the acute and frequent awareness of this mysterious dimension.
Due to my extreme reliance on routine to feel secure, changes and uncertainty tend to terrify me. Even a special schedule at school is enough to interfere with my sense of security. The future all seems like one big uncontrollable mess with this mindset; one that I am certainly not eager to move forward with. This is complicated by the knowledge that I am constantly arriving at the future, and will continue to do so as long as I live.
And yet, there is also a certain beauty in time, as it gives me the reassurance that no other entity can go on forever. As I grapple with big questions and think about the future, I am reassured that no pain will be eternal; only time will. It is only with this in mind that I truly feel comfortable facing the future.
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